Reflection and Self Awareness

Its been exactly one month since I've written.

Hiding?

Yes.

For reasons I will NEVER bring to light, I got a hard slap of reality a few weeks ago. I shouldn't even say slap, but knocked the fuck out with a Louisville Slugger. I got the rug pulled out from under me...I fell victim to a trip wire - however you want to put it, I was blasted out of my own ass by a landmine.

For the past few weeks I've been hiding from everyone, including myself, which has been hard. Isn't it amazing how the one thing we DON'T want to think about is the ONLY thing we can?

The fog is too thick for me to even guess what the future hold for me. If I were religious, I would say it is in God's hands. But the reality in me is understanding that for once in my entire life, I'm on my own. I am the only one who can deal with this and fix it. I made my bed and now I have to lay in it.

I've gotten a good look at myself and I don't like what I see. I am good at wearing masks, as I have mentioned previously. Unless you are someone I can really let my guard down around (and that number is under 5) you'd never know anything was wrong. I don't wear my problems on my sleeve in most company. When I am alone is another story. People don't always think about what goes on behind closed doors and closed minds.

I am realizing I need a more optimistic outlook on life. I am very much a pessimist, so it wont be easy. I don't want to change who I am - but the way I think. I'd very much like to feel deserving and I do not at this moment. I'd like to see the world as a positive place despite the myriad of negative factors. I'd like to be able to overlook what doesn't pertain to me and just be happy with my life.

Life is hard and it always will be. I can understand why some buckle under the pressure and check out early. It's the easy way out and in the desperation of a situation that is unbearable, I see why folks do it. It's scary to feel that way - especially when you do realize it's not really an option.

This has forced me to take a good look at myself and my life. Its made me question my future and the way I live. I need to prove to myself that I AM capable. I need to prove to myself that I can disregard the "noise" and focus on the important things. I need to learn not to be so hard on myself, that we are all human. I also need to learn not to be so hard on other people. Everyone is doing their best to get thru this life and just like me, are trying to find the best way for them to do it.

Most of all, I am going to try to be more patient. This is not a quality I possess, but direly need. Patience is a virtue. Being impatient makes life harder. Once I can master patience, I'll be able to learn how to live at a slower pace. I don't want to run and run my days away. Sometimes I just want to sit and be bored, my mind quiet.

Thankfully, its the weekend. Ill have some time to meditate on things and try to get the static out of my head.

I guess my point of this blog is to say this: Think. Think before you speak. Think before you do. Think before you act. We get so caught up in life and everything in it we forget to stop and think. Do this my friends, and you wont be dealing with bullshit like I am - along with all the other things that can go wrong in life. It's very true what they say - and take my word for it: You reap what you sew.