In the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit...

It's been an unusual day here on Christmas Island. My mom and I got into a religious debate again today. She caught me off guard, the way she usually gets me. It started with simple conversation that snowballed into a vicious debate of why I am not allowed to think for myself.

I'm sorry I'm not as dedicated to religion as she...but I don't feel like I'm missing out, I'm sorry. I am Agnostic. I am. That's that. I don't know if there is a God or not. I guess I'll wait til it's the right time for me to know. And like an adult, Ill take responsibility for my actions if I'm wrong. I appreciate being taught the basics of Christianity, because I enjoy leaning. But that doesn't mean I agree with it. I sat 6 months in high school and learned of Greek mythology...doesn't mean I ran to find a sect to join.

I never did adhere to rules very well. I have a (and still do ) grand way of getting myself out of most situations in a clean streak if I feel it necessary. But not today. I decided to have it OUT with my mother. I have never said the things I said to her before. Things that I knew would destroy her. She asked for it, and I gave it to her. I think our relationship will suffer over this.

I've always been my mom's baby. I was the last hope she had. She planned for me to be some Pioneer and marrying an Elder and move to a congregation in Montana. NO. That is so not me. I am not a religious person. During Church, I daydreamed of rollerblading thru the complex instead of listening go the speaker. All I wanted to do was go thru Taco Bell and go home to play video games and write while listening to music.

During today's argument my mom called me radical:"Your thinking is very radical." I said, "Really? Is it? Why is that so? Is it so wrong to use your own brain. think for youself and not take someones word for it?" Frustrating..... Look, I'm smart enough to know that before I pledge my life to something, it has to be the real deal. The supernatural BS doesn't fly with me. I don't believe in a single divinity, I apologize. Myriads of angels? No, not likely either.

My mom did not like my interpretation. Then, she basically told me I have turned my back on God. She asked me what I thought the purpose of life was. My answer was simple. "Isn't that the million dollar question mother?" I went on to explain" Evolution is the reason we are here. Our Universe is an estimated 13.6 billion years old - as best we can calculate it. The universe combines, shrinks, and implodes (Big Bang). This happens over and over again. After the implosion, the molecules drift outward into space creating interesting things: black holes, planets, stars, ect...then it begins to slowly move back towards the center of the universe until the next big bang. Life has always gone this way. My mother was very angry and crying. The reason is likely because she feels like a failure as a parent because neither Debbie nor I are Witnesses. Why is that failure? I grew up, leaning morals and stories of Christianity. I know that basics - as any Church would teach. I just don't agree with it all. Why should she love me any less? How dare she judge my choices? I don't judge her choices. I am an education woman goddammit. I have studied religions and the like. I don't want to be part of an organized religion. They are all corrupt in one way or another. They, like humans, have their positive and negative points. Religion was created to give people both hope and give the higher ups control over people with fear.

The fact is, we got lucky. The right circumstances at the right time. That's it. We did.....and that's all there is to it.

I just don't get why she cant let it go. I've told her I appreciate her bringing me up in caring christian environment, and that I learned a lot. But as an adult, my beliefs and feelings towards things have changed.

I felt as though she intended to make me feel stupid. She attacked me, but she was not aware I was educated on my argument. This call lasted almost 2 hours. When it was finally over, I hung the phone up, screamed and cried and little and smoked a bowl to calm down. Then I called my dad. He was in the garage but I called his cell phone. He listened with an understanding ear, but didn't take sides. He encourage me though. I called Debbie afterward, knowing she'd allow me to vent and agree with everything I had to say. No need to go into the way Deb feels about my mom. But that statement should tell you.

I'm tired of being expected to hold the family together. Its all up to me and my dad basically. My mom has not invited me or Debbie for dinner since September. Before that was the year prior, around November. The fact is my family is far from perfect. But what IS perfect? I love them as much as I want to choke them. I'm fairly certain I have hit the final nail on the coffin with my mom, however. Things will be awkward for a while. But what can I do? I had to make a stand, as I did with Brian's mom, Pam. I have to learn my mom isn't perfect and I can disagree with her without having to feel guilty. Its going to be hard work, but I'm defiantly going to try.

Write soon,

Love Tray