My Self-Psych Evaluation.

Psych doctors are pretty gnarly. In a good way. Brian's doc is barely 5 feet tall, maybe a 100 lbs, and 100% Asian in every way possible. She is sweet yet stern. And COMPLETELY pretentious. That's the reason we both like her.

Sitting in the waiting room with Brian, I began to glance over the leaflets and posters in the office. They are really good at making you wonder about yourself. Hell....what is normal, anyway?

My point is, I'm reading these things thinking...wow, some of this shit hits the nail on the head (as in, MINE). So, I'm reading these leaflets and I'm like FUCK. This is me. Advanced delusionary schizophrenia with involuntary narcissistic rage. A psychopath. Not that I didn't realize there was some abnormalcy to me, but wow. What a wake up call.

I'm thinking I must have ALL mental illnesses combined. They must be held in some mysterious balance by the cosmos, holding itself together, creating what I am. Weird. I am an organized mess of messes.

She and Brian have their discussion and I am still thinking...baffled with myself. I'm upset, I'm crying. It happens. It just means I have to push forward and plow down anyone in my way.
Once we got home, I pondered, Who am I, really? Have you ever truly asked yourself that and actually THOUGHT about it? Your flaws, your perfections, your wants and needs, the things that make you who you are.

Well, that's what I did and this is what I came up with. I recommend you try it sometime. It is very humbling.

The name Tracy \t-ra-cy\ is pronounced TRAY-see. Of Irish and Gaelic origin, the name is taken from the Gaelic term "treasach" meaning "war-like" or "fighter". (Good thing, at least I know I have a little Spartan Spirit in me)

So, my name means fighter. Okay. That I agree with. I would never lay down and die. Like Scarlet once said, "If I have to lie, cheat, steal or kill, I will never go hungry again". I do not like my actions questioned. I have a reason for them all. I do not make any of my intentions public. (For the most part) I'm a bitch to get what I want. I'm sweet as pie to get what I want. I am a chameleon. Give me any situation and I'm in 100%. You would never know the difference. Ever. I can blend and blend until you no longer see me.

Do not take everything I say seriously.
However, on the other hand, maybe you should.

I am loyal. To those I trust and love, I give my ALL. That is where I tend to make mistakes in my life. I have learned the hard way (but still learned) how to weed thru those with ulterior motives and personalities. I am still fooled from time to time, but I am only human. I just learn one more quality NOT to look for.

I love my family and I love being surrounded by friends. I am a partier, outgoing. I'll try anything once. I am one of the guys. I play video games, I cuss like a sailor, burp and fart and don't give a fuck (in the right company of course). I'm laid back - I love a good joke. I love movies, sports, learning.

During a drunken debate with my favorite Devil, he said to me, "You are no fun. You would NOT make my job easy." I laughed and said, "You don't like the ones that think quick on their feet, do you?" Funny. I am by no means smart in my opinion and frankly, I have no clue about the logistics of his job. HOWEVER - the fact that I can argue a topic I know nothing about is a gift. I'll play the Devil's Advocate with a quickness to get where I need to be. You'll tell me everything I want to know and you'll have no idea you've just done it. I am cunning and manipulative. Repulsive? Yes. Does it help me out? Yes. In order to know me, you have to look past me first. He did. That's why we are friends. Though he can be the biggest jackass ever, I respect him. I am his female reflection. He understands how I think and has never had to tell me that himself, and Vice Versa. That's the beauty of it. We have both been labeled a "villain". I guess we could be considered Villains. Villains never get enough recognition. (Why so serious?)

I am one big walking contradiction. Let me explain. I am a Gemini. Those of you who do not believe that the astros have any affect on human behavior, I dare you: hang out downtown on a night when the moon is full. You will never argue again.

Allow me a moment. A Gemini is:

active, adaptable, ambitious, articulate, creative, inquisitive, kind leader, versatile, funny, workaholic, thoughtful, straight-forward, social, talkative, open-minded, experimental, eloquent, brave, free-spirited, attention-loving, out-going, adventurous, spontaneous, verbal risk-taker, friendly, perceptive, eccentric.

Then consider the dark side: duality, self-focus, restlessness, changeability, shallow, impulsive, over-talkative, Over-stimulated, self-centered, vain, tends to lie, critical, too playful, plays mind games, boastful, ego-oriented, trickster, too-curious, superficial, temperamental, sensitive.

There is a positive for every negative that is me. But isn't it the same with us all?

Have I hurt the ones I love the most? Yes. Have they hurt me? Yes. Do we still love each other? Yes. And the world continues to spin silently in the quietness of space as it has for millions of years.

"I'm broke but I'm happy.
I'm poor but I'm kind.
I'm short but I'm healthy, yeah.
I'm high but I'm ground.
I'm sane but I'm overwhelmed.
I'm lost but I'm hopeful baby.
What it all comes down to...Is that everything's gonna be fine fine fine.
I've got one hand in my pocket, and the other one is giving a high five.
I feel drunk but I'm sober.
I'm young and I'm underpaid.
I'm tired but I'm working, yeah.
I care but I'm restless.
I'm here but I'm really gone.
I'm wrong and I'm sorry baby.
What it all comes down to...is that everything's gonna be quite alright.
I've got one hand in my pocket, and the other one is flicking a cigarette.
And what it all comes down to...is that I haven't got it all figured out just yet. I've got one hand in my pocket, and the other one is giving the peace sign.
I'm free but I'm focused.
I'm green but I'm wise.
I'm hard but I'm friendly baby.
I'm sad but I'm laughing.
I'm brave but I'm chickenshit.
I'm sick but I'm pretty baby.
And what it all boils down to....is that no one's really got it figured out just yet.I've got one hand in my pocket, and the other one is playing the piano.
And what it all comes down to my friends...is that everything's just fine fine fine.

I've got one hand in my pocket and the other one is hailing a taxi cab."