You Lied

I am totally disgusted with myself. I want to hit myself in the head repeatedly. It’s not fair. I got on the scale here at work – the reliable one. I have gained back every single fucking pound I’ve lost. I’m right back up to where I started. I feel like crying. I don’t understand why I allowed this to happen again.

I could blame it on Brian’s “fallout” but even I know better. I was so depressed it was hard to do anything at all. I’d eat mounds of food; let myself and my house go to shit. I am starving. I went off the pill (am not pregnant, trust me) and I feel like I have to have food in my mouth all the time. The pounds slowly crept up on me. I feel like an utter embarrassment.

I am my own worst enemy. Why me? I am back to square one and extremely pissed off. I have to accept that I am one of those people that will always have to exercise. I will always have to. I like to eat too much to be able not to.

I have to admit that I failed and lied to myself. I am admitting it now. I lied and I’m sorry. I only hurt myself. No reason to lie/ignore. I have to get back on track as quickly as possible. I’ve also decided to do the following to pick up the pace on my sorry ass.

1. I am doing the detox this weekend. I need to cleanse my body of all this junk fucking food and sugar.

2. I’m giving up pop. I’m giving up coffee and caffeine. I am. I just can’t drink it anymore. I get too addicted. I’ll stick with teas, water and real juices. It is more expensive to eat healthy but it’s worth it.

3. Exercise 1 hour 3 times a week like I used to. Alternating too – weights and elliptical along with the pool. Once endurance is up, will sign up for spinning again or another class.

4. Cut WAY back on drinking. I do not plan to drink at all this weekend which is a good weekend to do so. My neighbors are out of town. No pressure to drink.

5. I am planning a weekend to stay at my aunt and uncle’s again. Brian really wants to go, but I don’t want him to. I want to go by myself. It’s a great release. I can practice yoga and meditation in the most beautiful scenery around.

6. No more eating after a certain point in the night. This is what has ruined me. I am back to eating like a hoss. Eating cereal in bed, ordering food late as hell, picking thru the fridge even after a good meal. Unacceptable.

7. List of Foods I will no longer eat:

Ø Tortilla Chips
Ø French fries
Ø Ranch Dressing (only acceptance is the lite ranch from Kroger)
Ø Philly Cheese steaks.
Ø Gravy
Ø All candy except gum
Ø Fried Foods
Ø All breads except whole wheat.
Ø Mayonnaise

Fast food will have to be kept at a minimum no matter what. I will eat this sparingly

8. I am going to be loyal to my food tracker. This is very important. It makes me face what I’ve don’t that day. I will write in it everyday again.

9. Always think ahead. Never allow myself to get ravenously hungry.

10. Always remember that I want to be sexy and free…I want to get looks from guys….I want to feel desired. I want to be admired.

Last but not least and probably the most important:

Take one day at a time. Do not think about next week, concentrate on making today good. I’ll worry about tomorrow once it gets there. I need to live in the day and stop living in the future or regretting the past.

I am making a promise to myself today. I promise to be good to myself. I’ve spent the last 15 years seeing what kind of damage I can do to my body; I need to spend the next fifteen taking care of it. I promise not to live for food. Eat to live, not live to eat. Always remember there is more to life than food. Food is not my best friend. A strong, lean confident person is who I want to be.