Last Minute Gift Ideas

"Hey. If any of you are looking for any last-minute gift ideas for me, I have one. I'd like Frank Shirley, my boss, right here tonight. I want him brought from his happy holiday slumber over there on Melody Lane with all the other rich people and I want him brought right here, with a big ribbon on his head, and I want to look him straight in the eye and I want to tell him what a cheap, lying, no-good, rotten, fore-fleshing, low-life, snake-licking, dirt-eating, inbred, overstuffed, ignorant, blood-sucking, dog-kissing, brainless, dickless, hopeless, heartless, fat-ass, bug-eyed, stiff-legged, spotty-lipped, worm-headed sack of monkey shit he is. Hallelujah. Holy shit. Where's the Tylenol? " - Clark Griswold, Christmas Vacation

Outlandish Christmas gifts! My favorite. Here is a list of things I want (but will never get):

1. I have to first go with money. And NO - not a gift card or a twenty...I want a VULGAR, obscene amount of money. More money than Bill Gates and Ted Turner combined, times ten. I want to bathe in money and wipe my ass with money. I want to make forks with $100 bills and throw them away when I'm done. I want so much money - that even I won't be able to spend it all. That's not too much to ask.

2. I'd like my own personal Jet flown by John Travolta. This way I have a good pilot AND Xenu on my side.

3. I want front rows seats to MTVs new reality version of Celebrity Death Match featuring Jennifer Aniston and Angelina Jolie. So much chemistry - so little time. Even though she plays Lara Croft, Jolie aint got SHIT on Aniston. Anger is a powerful motivator.

4. Guns. The more automatic, the happier I'll be.

5. I'd like to hit a certain "Ryan" in the head over and over again with an inflatable globe while asking him if he is ready to cry yet.

6. A Pegasus. What a fast and cheap way to get to work! Make that 2...I want to breed them for sale too.

7. A heavily jeweled crown and a Rick Flair robe. Something to bring out the green in my eyes.

8. Johnny Depp.

9. The answers to all the "big" questions in life.

10. Sanity.

I think I'm going to go home tonight and wrap gifts while watching Christmas Vacation. It's put me in the mood. I'll leave you with another of Clark's famous quotes.

"Where do you think you're going? Nobody's leaving. Nobody's walking out on this fun, old-fashioned family Christmas. No, no! We're all in this together! This is a full-blown, four-alarm holiday emergency here. We're gonna press on, and we're gonna have the hap, hap, happiest Christmas since Bing Crosby tap-danced with Danny fucking Kaye. And when Santa squeezes his fat white ass down that chimney tonight, he's gonna find the jolliest bunch of assholes this side of the nuthouse."