New Years 2008 - 30 Years of my Life: A Reflection

I've been nostalgic with New Years coming up. This year will mark my 30th birthday and I've been reflecing back as far as I can remember in my life. 30 years is a long time. Three decades.

That's 30 winter's I've went thru. 30 Summers. I've seen New Years Eve 29 times.

I've likely mentioned this before, but I've kept journals since I would write sentences. I've found all but the one from 3rd grade, which I believe is in a box in the closet of my old bedroom. I've been reading them over the last few days. I've re-lived my life. It's amazing to hear myself young, innocent, and unknowing. Back when I had no worries and all I had to write about was my dog, my mom and family and playing outside. I wrote a lot about the kids I played with on my street and the next street (Garland). I'd like to share a few of my early years with you.

October 8, 1985
"It is Friday? I call Bonnie. I want to know if I can spend the night. I will ask can I? Yes good. I will ask if I can. We have fun the next day, Bonnie and me. Sissy and Liz. I got to spend the night again. It was fun until it was time to go to bed. Bonnie said, we dont have to sleep, lets stay up! I said why not? Bonnie said I hope it we can. Lets play Carebears I said. We played and went to sleep."

May 1, 1986
"If I were a dinosaur I would be one of the smal ones. I do not like the big ones. Not unless they are nice.

November 1, 1988
"Today I am back from an outsatanding weekend. Friday night my cousin Amber came over. Saturday me and Jamie Rump went rollerskating at the Fun Factory. Afterward we went to Melissa Cupps's house. Sunday I went shopping with Melissa Cupp and bought a locker magnent and new trapper keeper for school."

September 2, 1991
"Today has been ok except it stated out bad. I had 2 DTs and I have to serve one tonight and one tomorrow morning. Ever since I found out that my mom and dad are seprating I havent been the same. My grades are slipping. I dont know what to do. I can there is nothing I can do. There is a guy on my street that just moved in with his mom at Sam's house. He seems cool and I kinda like him. I dont know. Its weird. But he is funny."

March 19, 1992
"...118 entries so far! I wanted to got to the Brian Adams concert soooo bad, but I didnt get to go. My mom was going to file for a divorce, but she changed her mind. I am so glad. It took her four months to decide. I guess thats why my grades are slipping. Its an easy excuse anyway. I've been trying to turn in all the extra credit I can. Math, English, anything I can get my hands on. I have to pass. I have to...."

Typing this next post makes me want to go throw up my lunch....from last tuesday.

May 15, 1992
"....I am in a really good mood today. Tomorrow I am going to Kings Island with Amy. I am going to go to the cart in Octoberfest that does engraving on neclaces and stuff. I want to get one that is heart shaped that says I love Jarrod. I am excited. This thing me and Jarrod have is special. We havent officially decided to me exclusive, but its going somewhere I know it. He is always in a good mood. He makes me laugh and is serious when I need him to be. We are together all the time. After school, on weekends, even before school sometimes. Everytime he comes around I feel this burst of energey inside me and find myself doing and saying things I normally wouldnt. He seems really good for me. He has helped me thru alot with my parents and I appreciate it. He comes from a split home and understands what I have been dealing with. I've never felt this way about a guy before. I think he is really something special"

June 4, 1992
Today was the last day of school. I am writing at home and have decided to continue using this journal throughout the summer (**note - I usually bought a new journal at the beginning of each summer). We talking and took pictures in first period. Then we went to the auditorium for an assembly only for the red cluster 8th grade students. I passed with straight Ds. Can you believe that? Its the worst I have ever done. I did have a lot to deal with this year, but yeah, it is a good excuse. After the assembly we got red carnations because we would be entering high school the next year. After the pizza party, Jamie Rump and Jamie Mckeehan, Amy and Amber Linville went to Taco Bell to hang out. Then we walked to Jamie R's and hung out for a while. Walking home I felt free. I am free! Then I got home and found a letter from Janis waiting for me (**Note - we hated eachother in school and luckily she moved to TX). It was a nasty letter and pissed me off. I wrote her back and I hope to hear a response. I hate her. I need to write to Sawako

(**Note - My pen pal of 8 years from Japan). I keep forgetting."

I feel the need to skip alot of the entries over the next few years because, well - they sucked and I dont want to deal with them again. Reading thru them again after living it once was enough.

February 14, 1995

"....Today was full of suprises. Jimmy bought me a single red rose and a nala doll to go with the Simba one we gave me for Christmas. The the biggest suprise came to me during 6th period. Jeremy happens to be in that class too. (**Note - Jeremy is Andrea and Rob's cousin that was in a lot of my classes. I've known him since we were young both in and out of school. He was quiet but hot as hell and didnt talk to many people. I was one of the lucky ones. Jarrod hated him. I didnt. In fact..well, you know.) During our valentine party everyone was handing out candy. Jeremy came over to my desk with a box of conversation hearts. He had one in his hand and handed it to me and walked back to his desk. I looked at it and it said Call Me. I didnt think too much of it, could have been a random one. But I looked up at him and he was staring at me smiling. Like he was watingin for emto look at him. I smiled back. Then he came over and gave Amy one (who sits next to me) that said, Go Away...he laughed and she did too. We are buddies and joke that way. Amy and I were talking and he came back over and knelt down by my desk and quietly said, I wish I had more hearts to gve you and handed me ne that said, My Love. I couldnt say anything. My hands were shaking. We stared in eachothers eyes for a few moments and then he returned to his desk. Amy said he stared at me the rest of the class. I want him so bad. We dont even need to date. I'd just like to spend one night with him, I'd settle for that. Jesus listen to me. Amyway, mom and I are going out and she's ready. Ill write more later."

Over the next several months, I date Jimmy Van An Twerp on and off and anyone else I could find that might piss off Jarrod. I wanted Jeremy so bad - but even though he sang to me at lunch, rode home with me everyday and went camping with me, it never panned out. Then we all graduated high school. When Jarrod got Shannon pregnant and ran off to the Army, I hadnt been dating him in a long time. This was the time I was getting to know Brian as more than a friend.

Few know, but during the end of my senior year until 6 months from college graduation I enjoyed my frequent fair share of drugs. It was part of my personality. I was learning. Not just at school but about life, about coming out from underneath the shelter I lived under for so many years...I guess I went apeshit. No excuse, but anyway. We each do our own thing growing up and I know those of you reading this will understand that in a non judgementaly. You know me anyway. Am I not a crazy funny unpreictable loving retarted bitch? (I just caught you smiling) Yeah, Ive accepted it.

November 30, 1996

" A week ago today I got to do acid. Let me tell you, it was some bad ass shit. I loved it. The only part that sucks is coming down and not being able to sleep. Misty and I were up until about 7 am and we had taken it 12 hours before."....."I cant exactly describe what tripping is like. All I can say is that it is an experience in itself. I sat on Misty's steps and focused on a piece of grey plastic stuck in atree and blowing in teh wind. Logically, I knew what it was, but once I let go of that fact and went with the flow, it looked as though it was a piece of reality that was torn. Like I could walk up to it and pull it apart and run with it - opening this whle new deminsion. Peaks are the best part of a trip. The second peak we attempted to call Andrea to thank her for her hospitality, but we couldnt dial the phone correctly. Once we finally got the number right, someone answered that was as fucked up as us and couldnt even talk. We ended up hanging up on them. None of it made sense. We discussed things we never gave a shit about normally. Things we took for granted. I remember feeling an overwhelming sensation to hug my mom. We watched TV and laughed until dawn, coming down slowly but surely. I went to sleep staring at the different colored shapes floating across my closed eye lids."

I'd like to fast forward. 1997-2004 went like wild fire. My early enrties are long and drug induced and misc. ramblings. Although extremely intersting to read, some things I'd like to remain private. I graduated college, got married and moved to NC for a while. I do not ave any blogs from the time I was in NC unfortunately, because Ronnie destroyed our computer with porn and I lost all the entries. Thank God for web hosted sites and back up discs, LOL.

I have a thick blackleather journa that Ive written in since 2002. Now I print my blog entries and tape them in there. I'm going to have to come up with a new system. The bottom line is I have 15 notebooks that need to be condensed in one way or another.

My last entry of New Years's resolutons for 2007 were not impossible. The ones I did are bolded.

• Be Heatly, join a gym and lose weight.
• Pay off debt. (not all, but most)
• Socialize dogs more. (we did walk them a handful of times, but not nearly enough)
• Continue to make home improvents
• take mini breaks and vacations
• get wedding dress bloxed
• continue to question the unknown. Search for answers.
• be happy in my job. If Im not, get a new one. ( I work from home now. Im happy)

So according to my tradition, It's time for my resolutions for 2008.

1. Continue to go to the gym and be healthy. Plan to reach goal weight this year by June/July.
2. Plan a girl's weekend in Gatlinburg this year.
3. Taking up a hobby that Brian and I both enjoy to do together.
4. Write and Read more - try to keep from getting into dry spells.
5. Do a better job of keeping in touch with those I care for.
6. Rekindle my love for cooking.
7. Finish the front yard landscaping.
8. Join a bowling league again. That shit was FUN.
9. Go to KY to do a family documentary.
10. Make peace mentally with some of the skeletons I've hidden.

No plans for kids this year. Nope, sorry to disappoint. I have goals this year I need to meet. I have a little more livng to do before Ihand my life over to another. Not to mention my sleep. Unless my blue pills fail me, I wont be planning for a child until next year. By then, the future shoudl be a little clearer - maybe. Who knows, it's always smoggy in my neck of the woods.

Happy new year to you all. May the upcoming days be filled with prosperity and joy that you and your loved ones deserve. And all that mush crap. Love you guys.

Love Tracy