Room of Many Masks

Everyday fellow Internet dwellers are forced to see those little smiley face emoticons sometime during their surf. The cutesy little "mood" feature on myspace to let everyone know how happy, pissed, drunk, angry or seductive you feel.

Lets talk about real emotions. Lets talk about Masks. I have many masks. So do you, whether you realize it or not. We wear masks everyday. For example: Someone asks, "How are you doing today?" You respond quickly: "Just fine" or "doing good". You don't really mean it, at least most of the time. Its just a friendly gesture, no thought to it. But you wore a mask. It wasn't how you really felt, it was a robotic reaction.

Then there are the masks you HAVE to wear. The bitchy customer you have to cater to in order to get rid of her. You put on the fake smile and pretend to be someone else for a moment. Then as she walks away the real you can say, "Cunt" with confidence. You smile at old hags in the grocery store as you stroll .0000005 mph behind them, while the real you inside is gritting his teeth. Its all a show - an act - a mask.

We also have masks that we choose to wear for certain occasions, surprises and reactions. Ones we use for certain people, those we work with, those we love, and passersby on a street - 90% chance he/she is wearing a mask.

I guess my point is, you never really know what someone is truly feeling. Yeah - the jackass may have cut you off, but maybe he just found out someone he loved was injured. The girl at Taco Bell could frown, grump and bitch while preparing your order, but maybe it's because she is a single mother of three, so tired she can't see straight. The older I get, the more I try to see things this way and not take things so personally. Some people (like me) are fantastic at hiding their feelings and wearing masks. As a Gemini I have a split personality anyway, so it comes naturally to me.

The problem is, I've been wearing way too many masks lately and I'm not even sure who I am anymore. I feel crazy - when normally I feel half crazy. I'm trying to please everyone. I go along with things when I know I shouldn't. I'm trying to save everyone when what I need to do is save myself. I've been masking emotions that are ready to explode - masks I never want to wear again. I'm wearing masks to protect myself, to lie to myself to make me feel better. Relate it to sucking your thumb or downing a beer. I lie to myself so I don't have to deal. I lie to myself so that I don't have to admit that some things change and some don't and I have no control over that.

Ive been under more pressure than the Brent Spence Bridge during rush hour here for the last few weeks. I have had NO break, no time to myself, no time to deal with my own issues. I am off the week of my b-day. I have a doctor's appt. tomorrow and I plan to ask him for a month's vacation. I am taking it for myself. Not Brian, my family or my friends. I'm doing it for myself. I talked it over with Brian and I am going to go stay with my aunt and uncle in KY. They live in the middle of nowhere and that's just what I need. No phones ringing, no computer, no annoyances. I have no idea how long I plan to stay there and I don't plan to have an agenda. I need time for myself. for ME.

Ive spent my whole life helping others and now its my turn. So, if you don't hear from me for a while, just know I'm OK...lying in the sun in a field of sunflowers thinking, writing, and meditating.

I look forward to taking my masks off and finding myself again. Finding the smile and happiness I miss so very much. Ive been what everyone else has wanted me to be for so long, Ive forgotten who I am. Maybe after this is all over with I can stand back and look at my mental wall of masks and know that I no longer need them as a crutch.